It was all unexpected, unplanned, unforeseen. I didn’t think it lead to this; what started out as an innocent day out, turned into a day that both our lives changed. Not drastically, but we were different to each other now.
The analogy I used was that I’m like a beaver building a dam, and somehow, today [August 1] the dam broke and everything I’ve suppressed over the past couple of months just, flowed. While I tried to explain to you how I felt, truth is I was explaining things to myself.
I didn’t realise that I’ve been building walls for a while now. I didn’t realise how I’ve normalised suppressing feelings and being apprehensive towards having affection for someone. I’ve managed to convince myself that I’m not ready to get back into the game, and I still am convinced that I’m not.
But, at least I’ve told you about it; you, one of the sources of the internal conflict that has gradually become my ever present companion of late.
I still feel the burden, the burden of acknowledging that I do like someone, and that someone likes me back to. Yet at the same time, I feel relieved. We, both felt relieved, relieved that we got some things clear and out in the open.
I’m still apprehensive, to liking someone romantically, and to be liked romantically too. But it does feel good to be able to just embrace those feelings without having to go through all the mental checks I’ve honed in my mind. At least now I’ve those checks in place. I think now, I can start to learn how to balance cautiousness and passion.
Things don’t always turn out the way we think they should. Words don’t always come out the way we think they ought to. And when they don’t, we just accept them and ride along anyway.