“If you are stuck in the forest and it’s dark and you are afraid and someone tells you not to be then it doesn’t work. It’s your own mind. Only you can affect that. We need the confidence in ourselves – we cannot switch the lamp on and off, on and off.”
– Jürgen Klopp
Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.
I was primed by my critical writing tutor yesterday about Murphy’s Law, and it’s happening to me today. One won’t look at me, the other doesn’t want to look back. I’m trying to do right by both of them, but when one behaves in this manner and the other writes in this way, I just feel myself falling apart internally.
I’ve had to let go twice now in a relatively short span of time, on both occasions I had to but I was never ready to. But they deserve better, I know that, and it breaks me to know that because I wish I were enough. If I stuck on with either, it would be unfair to them, it would be selfish of me. I guess, in my false sense of lucidity, I was rational enough to detest the thought of being unfair to them. But now, when I’m alone, somber, and really lucid, the pain of not being able to be who I want to be in their lives, is…
I can’t react now because I’m in a public place. It’s freezing, the relentless air-conditioning, but I don’t feel safe going outside, putting myself out there. I don’t know how to behave or interact with either. I was never good with handling relationships with people that end or nosedive.
Anything that can go wrong has gone wrong so far.
And I don’t know what to do.
There’s no use denying it, now that things are like this. Things have changed and they will never go back to how they were before. I miss it everyday, as much as I try not to think about it, and everyday I futilely hope that things could go back to how they used to be. I guess some things just won’t. I guess some things will change (or have to change) because they cannot revert back to how they were before.
At this juncture, I realize that, I’ve fallen back into old patterns. I’ve gone through this sequence of events before, just with different people. Befriending, getting to know each other, talking, getting to know each other better, spending time with each other along with a group of mutual friends, talking more, spending time with each other, sharing about ourselves, growing closer…and it just stops there for some reason, all the time.
Something always breaks it all up, when everything just started to get better. What’s worrying is how it always comes so suddenly, that when I finally notice it and come to terms with it, it’s too late. Over the years I’ve been learning to try and handle this better; most recently I’ve learnt to try and talk things out. Although it has given me some temporary reprieve, I can tell from the looks of things now, that I screwed up and things have changed.
I’m tired of this cycle. I’ve been hoping that someday, I’ll finally break out of it. Then I realized two things about that earlier statement: One, that ‘hope’ seems to be the veil that masks the trigger that causes everything to fall apart all of a sudden every time; Two, ‘someday’ is just a euphemism for ‘never’ (courtesy of Knight and Day, starring Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz). And despite the resentment and apprehension I feel towards how negatively things are right now, truth is, I just really want things to be okay again.
Things have changed and they will never go back to how they were before. I can only hope that everything will be alright soon. Why hope while knowing the danger is poses? Well, it’s all I’ve got. Right now I guess I have to let go of all this for a while and just hope and wait. But I’m afraid that one day I’ll just stop waiting and just move on, leaving things unsettled and forever unrepaired. I just, really don’t want this to be the case this time, especially with you.
“After the fall
we can recover
what’s left in the dark
can still be discovered”
It just occurred to me tonight that, we don’t often hear about advice on what to do, when you and the (non-family) person you talk to/text daily suddenly stop conversing. It goes on for a few hours, then an entire day, and then for two days.
What happens, when you have the urge to talk to them? Just about anything under the sun? Just so that the two of you are talking again like you used to, everyday. Even if all the while a lot of what you two have talked about are mundane or simply the littlest things in life, at least, the two of you spoke to each other, everyday. So what do you do, when you want so much to talk to them again?
But, you are concerned that you are annoying them. You are worried that maybe they need a break from talking to you for a while. That’s alright, it’s nothing to worry about actually. Friends with good relationships with one another can go on for periods of time without communicating, and yet when they finally get the chance to, they just click together and hit off perfectly fine.
Still, you can’t help but worry that your constant desire to want to talk to them makes you intrusive, clingy, boring, making them all the more less interested in wanting to converse with you. You want to give them space, but you’re afraid of losing them, in the sense that, you will never regain this unique relationship of being able to talk to each other everyday. Because now that it has stopped, only do you truly realize how great it was to be able to converse with someone everyday about anything and everything.
And you want it back. You want them back. You are scared of losing them because over this time of consistent conversation, you have subconsciously valued them more and more, till now, they have become someone of great value in your life. And you’re afraid, that perhaps, although you are someone valuable to them, they do not value you as much as you value them.
Of course, there are a host of other factors to consider. For my case, some of my actions may have caused things to be uncomfortable and awkward; I may have crossed a fragile line a couple of times… After a little reflecting, I do realize such possibilities. But, it may already be too late. I, may have lost the unique relationship I have with this wonderful person, that we can talk everyday, just about anything, from the last thing that person said. And, I may never get it back, and that’s something I’ll have to live with for, quite a while.