There was a point in time today, after lunch with my dance batch mates, when I had this epiphany. It happened while we sat in a circle on the floor of the cinema in the mall, half of us backs against the wall, against the poster of Rogue One: A Star Wars Story. Amidst the separate small conversations happening among the eleven of us, laughter, and laughter lines, I realised that it’s moments like these that are the most valuable things in life: the time spent with friends.
‘Somehow, the limited joy of hearing “good job” from a person who doesn’t really love you is maddeningly more satisfying than the unconditional embrace of someone who truly does. “Sure,” I think, when my parents or my boyfriend surround and support me, “But they always do.” Only if I force myself can I really stop to think about what that implies. Their love is as present as oxygen, invisible and irreplaceable.’
Read the full article here: Never Convince Anyone That They Should Love You
There’s no use denying it, now that things are like this. Things have changed and they will never go back to how they were before. I miss it everyday, as much as I try not to think about it, and everyday I futilely hope that things could go back to how they used to be. I guess some things just won’t. I guess some things will change (or have to change) because they cannot revert back to how they were before.
At this juncture, I realize that, I’ve fallen back into old patterns. I’ve gone through this sequence of events before, just with different people. Befriending, getting to know each other, talking, getting to know each other better, spending time with each other along with a group of mutual friends, talking more, spending time with each other, sharing about ourselves, growing closer…and it just stops there for some reason, all the time.
Something always breaks it all up, when everything just started to get better. What’s worrying is how it always comes so suddenly, that when I finally notice it and come to terms with it, it’s too late. Over the years I’ve been learning to try and handle this better; most recently I’ve learnt to try and talk things out. Although it has given me some temporary reprieve, I can tell from the looks of things now, that I screwed up and things have changed.
I’m tired of this cycle. I’ve been hoping that someday, I’ll finally break out of it. Then I realized two things about that earlier statement: One, that ‘hope’ seems to be the veil that masks the trigger that causes everything to fall apart all of a sudden every time; Two, ‘someday’ is just a euphemism for ‘never’ (courtesy of Knight and Day, starring Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz). And despite the resentment and apprehension I feel towards how negatively things are right now, truth is, I just really want things to be okay again.
Things have changed and they will never go back to how they were before. I can only hope that everything will be alright soon. Why hope while knowing the danger is poses? Well, it’s all I’ve got. Right now I guess I have to let go of all this for a while and just hope and wait. But I’m afraid that one day I’ll just stop waiting and just move on, leaving things unsettled and forever unrepaired. I just, really don’t want this to be the case this time, especially with you.
“After the fall
we can recover
what’s left in the dark
can still be discovered”
Tomorrow morning, you’re gonna wake up flooded with Whatsapp notifications and I really apologise for the, well, spam. But tonight, while you were asleep, I managed to say what I wanted to say to you. Well, most of it I guess.
I took to (500) Days of Summer cos the last time I watched it, it picked me up from the emotional wreck I was . This time, it gave me clarity of thought to turn what I felt into words, and convey those words to you.
Tonight, I bore my heart out to you. It’s something I don’t normally do, but in a way I am slightly glad I did. No matter how you feel or plan to react to what I wrote to you, at least I put my heart out there.
I put my heart out there, without knowing what to expect. I took a shot, which several nights before I was too worried and scared to take. So I’ll just see how you’ll react in the morning and, take it from there.
It just occurred to me tonight that, we don’t often hear about advice on what to do, when you and the (non-family) person you talk to/text daily suddenly stop conversing. It goes on for a few hours, then an entire day, and then for two days.
What happens, when you have the urge to talk to them? Just about anything under the sun? Just so that the two of you are talking again like you used to, everyday. Even if all the while a lot of what you two have talked about are mundane or simply the littlest things in life, at least, the two of you spoke to each other, everyday. So what do you do, when you want so much to talk to them again?
But, you are concerned that you are annoying them. You are worried that maybe they need a break from talking to you for a while. That’s alright, it’s nothing to worry about actually. Friends with good relationships with one another can go on for periods of time without communicating, and yet when they finally get the chance to, they just click together and hit off perfectly fine.
Still, you can’t help but worry that your constant desire to want to talk to them makes you intrusive, clingy, boring, making them all the more less interested in wanting to converse with you. You want to give them space, but you’re afraid of losing them, in the sense that, you will never regain this unique relationship of being able to talk to each other everyday. Because now that it has stopped, only do you truly realize how great it was to be able to converse with someone everyday about anything and everything.
And you want it back. You want them back. You are scared of losing them because over this time of consistent conversation, you have subconsciously valued them more and more, till now, they have become someone of great value in your life. And you’re afraid, that perhaps, although you are someone valuable to them, they do not value you as much as you value them.
Of course, there are a host of other factors to consider. For my case, some of my actions may have caused things to be uncomfortable and awkward; I may have crossed a fragile line a couple of times… After a little reflecting, I do realize such possibilities. But, it may already be too late. I, may have lost the unique relationship I have with this wonderful person, that we can talk everyday, just about anything, from the last thing that person said. And, I may never get it back, and that’s something I’ll have to live with for, quite a while.