#351: I’m back

It’s been a busy 5 months, so much so that I haven’t had time to check my wordpress. And even when I did have the time, my wordpress did not even cross my mind. I stopped expressing my thoughts, because it felt better to just let them come and go as soon as they came. A quick relief became my priority, escapism became my philosophy.

But now that I have the time, and now that my wordpress came to mind, I just want to say how tired and frustrated I am of all that’s going on. I’m on my break now, but things don’t seem to be showing any sign of slowing down at all. The academic stuff is out of the way for the year, but other matters have become more salient: my committee commitments to my dance club, settling my exchange for the next semester, and doing something about my pathetic curriculum vitae/resume before it’s too late.

I’ve always wanted to live on my own ever since I was a teenager. Though it sounds selfish, this desire stemmed from wanting to just have to care about myself. Somehow, I find it more and more tiring to live with others the older I grow. To have to consider their feelings, to meet their unspoken expectations of me, to keep them in the loop of every other thing, to explain things again and again when they can easily get it IF. THEY. JUST. PROCESSED. IT. WITH. A. LITTLE. MORE. INTENT.

(Although I admit, paying attention, as it seems, isn’t my strong suit nowadays.)

But living on my own isn’t easy either. It is so easy to fall prey to laziness when living on your own. There’s something about doing laundry, ironing, cleaning, and having to settle meals all by yourself, that just takes the wind out of your sails. I need to learn from people living independently how they do all of that, and still find the drive to exercise, pursue their hobbies and interests, and ‘have a life’.

Or maybe I just need to give myself a kick up my own ass because I shouldn’t expect anybody or anything else to motivate me.

#351: I’m back

#350: what’s valuable

There was a point in time today, after lunch with my dance batch mates, when I had this epiphany. It happened while we sat in a circle on the floor of the cinema in the mall, half of us backs against the wall, against the poster of Rogue One: A Star Wars Story. Amidst the separate small conversations happening among the eleven of us, laughter, and laughter lines, I realised that it’s moments like these that are the most valuable things in life: the time spent with friends.

#350: what’s valuable

#349: Of breaking eggs and balance.

Life and living can be understood through making an omelette, and the essence of homeostasis.

There’s a saying that goes something like, “You can’t make an omelette without breaking eggs“. In everything that we do, whatever decisions we make (and choices we don’t), we have to make sacrifices of some sort, and there are people who are negatively affected in some way. It is true we can’t make everyone happy. For various reasons, be it biological disposition, or environmental influences, or our non-conscious mimicry of people we seek to be affiliated with, we won’t be able to please everyone. Whatever we consciously choose to do (or not do), something else has to give.

When we express our opinions on social issues, we take a stand, which has its supporters and opposers. When we engage in acts that are rewarding and pleasurable which we also perceive as immoral, we undermine our self-worth and self-esteem; although this undermining doesn’t reach our conscious awareness while we’re experiencing that act. If we want to get better at something, we read, research, educate ourselves, practice; we spend time.

Living, is about upsetting those people and making those sacrifices that we can live with. “You can’t make an omelette without breaking eggs.

Homeostasis, can be understood as a state of equilibrium. Most things, if not, all things, always return to a state of equilibrium. Balance is peace, and peace is balance. Eat delicious food! But not till it makes you bloated and turns your stomach queasy. Drink! But not till you’re intoxicated or throw up. Make as much money as you can! But just enough to lead a contented life.

Everything in moderation” is understated. Consciously choosing not to do or have too much or too little of something, could just make our lives that much happier.

#349: Of breaking eggs and balance.

#348: achingly beautiful

And I won’t follow you

Into the rabbit hole,

I said I would but then I saw,

Your shivered bones: 

They didn’t want me to…

It’s a terrible love and I’m walking with spiders,

It’s a terrible love and I’m walking in;

It’s a terrible love and I’m walking with spiders,

It’s a terrible love and I’m walking in;

It takes an ocean not to break It takes an ocean not to break It takes an ocean not to…break

‘It’s quiet company.’

Terrible Love‘ by The National, covered by Birdy

#348: achingly beautiful

#346: Walter Mitty

Beautiful things don’t ask for attention.’

Sean O’ Connell

Sometimes I don’t (take a photograph). If I like a moment, for me, personally, I don’t like to have the distraction of the camera. I just want to stay in it.’

Sean O’Connell

To see the world, things dangerous to come to, to see behind walls, draw closer, to find each other, and to feel. That is the purpose of LIFE.’

Walter Mitty

Always heartening to watch The Secret Life of Walter Mitty. Love the landscapes and nature shown in the film, and the songs curated for the film.

#346: Walter Mitty

#345: two simple words

“I’m yours”

I never expected to hear someone say these two words to me again. The euphoria this time was slightly muted though, due to apprehension as a result of a failed past relationship. I’ve gotten mildly adept at not feeling completely, not giving my all. The mantra that rolls like an olden film projector in the subconscious of my mind, is that ‘nothing stays forever, everything is fleeting, so always be ready to let go whenever you have to, and be quick to move on’.

But these two words reappeared in my life, though not in a passionate way, I kinda like how it quietly found its way into my consciousness again. And I’m elated that I’ve found someone like her, no matter how temporary what we have may be.

We’re both simply just, living in the moment.

#345: two simple words