Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.
I was primed by my critical writing tutor yesterday about Murphy’s Law, and it’s happening to me today. One won’t look at me, the other doesn’t want to look back. I’m trying to do right by both of them, but when one behaves in this manner and the other writes in this way, I just feel myself falling apart internally.
I’ve had to let go twice now in a relatively short span of time, on both occasions I had to but I was never ready to. But they deserve better, I know that, and it breaks me to know that because I wish I were enough. If I stuck on with either, it would be unfair to them, it would be selfish of me. I guess, in my false sense of lucidity, I was rational enough to detest the thought of being unfair to them. But now, when I’m alone, somber, and really lucid, the pain of not being able to be who I want to be in their lives, is…
I can’t react now because I’m in a public place. It’s freezing, the relentless air-conditioning, but I don’t feel safe going outside, putting myself out there. I don’t know how to behave or interact with either. I was never good with handling relationships with people that end or nosedive.
Anything that can go wrong has gone wrong so far.
And I don’t know what to do.