It’s been a while since my last entry. Moments before I began writing this post, I was pondering on what were the causes for my hiatus.
A lack of topics to write on?
Laziness? Laziness to recount?
Preoccupied? Preoccupied with? Her?
I like being preoccupied with her. We’ve been together a little over 9 months now. 9 months may not seem long in the eyes of others, and maybe it isn’t; at times it feels like just 2 months ago when we made known our feelings to each other on 2 faithful evenings in a park. As with the posts that have come before this, we’ve had our ups and down over the past 9 months. Today, is one of those down days.
Today started like any other weekday morning. I’d send her my morning text before sunrise on my way to work and she’ll reply me later in the morning and our conversation for a new day begins. But unlike the conversations we had over the past couple of days, today’s one turned sour and I was caught off guard.
We didn’t quarrel. She gradually became overwhelmed with negative thoughts and feelings as the morning vacated its pedestal to noon. I called her and tried to comfort her but to no avail. She felt helpless, imprisoned by the despondence that has temporarily taken over her heart and mind. I felt helpless, that I was of no help to her.
There are some things in life that I would actually use the word “hate” on. This is one of them: being unable to make her feel better when she is down. I would be with her in person if I could, but I couldn’t at that moment in time when she choked on her tears. My heart cracked a little each time I heard her inaudible voice over the phone because she was choking on her tears. By the time she hung up (accidentally or on purpose I didn’t enquire), I don’t know if my figurative heart had already broken because, I couldn’t feel it.
“I want to be better.”
That was one of the things she said that I can empathise with. But when I mouthed the words “I know how you feel”, I realized that even though I knew how she felt, I didn’t know how to help her overcome this feeling of helplessness. “How did you overcome yours?” you might asked. To be honest, I can’t recall clearly at the moment. But my guess is I wallowed in melancholy for a while, distracted myself from wanting to be better and the many ways how I’m lacking and at the end of the day, I just slept and forgot about it.
I know that it is best if she herself can overcome her despondence, if she helps herself. But I just want to help her help herself because everyone can use a helping hand sometimes. Sometimes, a helping hand might just be the very ignition we need, to jump start our cars on the road to being okay again. But, I’m still not good at it – comforting her, making her feel better when she is down. It’s quite a let down I feel, that after being together for 9 months, I still can’t support her mentally and emotionally when things go down.
I hope I’ll find a way soon.