Today’s a Tuesday. Ever since I donned that army green and begun my stint in this training branch, I’ve never liked Tuesdays. Monday always feel like the day when you rev up your sluggish engine to take on yet another week; Wednesday means you’re halfway there; Thursday is when you get a whiff of that much desired weekend; come Friday you just wanna tidy your shit and get the hell out of work as soon as possible. Tuesday…is the day when you hate everything about work and the stage of the week you’re at.
Today’s different however. Today’s Tuesday, but I’m not at work. After burning our weekend to man the operations room for the 2nd batch of national service guys’ graduation parade, I’m grateful the military has the courtesy to reward us with as many off-days as we spent on duty. But this Tuesday off day was different too.
I’m scrolling through our Whatsapp messages now and I realize I can’t pinpoint a definitive time period to start this off. So, I guess I’ll just start by saying we used to be quite close but somehow we just stopped talking on a regular basis. Through the past 2 months or so, sometimes you’d say hi and ask how’s everything, sometimes I’ll drop you a text after coming across something that reminds me of you. Then one day, some time between the last week of June and the first week of July, we came to the topic about meeting up someday cos you’re gonna leave for the UK to pursue your undergraduate studies. After a couple of exchanges and talking about our respective work lives, we finally agreed to meet today.
Honestly, I was still worried that we would have to call it off yesterday. Even after we agreed on the time and place, I was still bothered by things like “What if the cafe is closed?” “What’s my backup plan?” “Will you like the food?” “Should I do this, should I do that?” Thankfully the cafe we decided to meet at was opened the entire afternoon, unlike what one of the food reviewers mentioned (totally wasted my time worrying about that -.-). Yet, even though every secondary factor was settled, I was still a little hesitant on meeting you, having been reminded we have not really talked properly for quite a while now.
I played out various scenarios in my head last night, none of which really happened. But this afternoon that I spent with you was really an afternoon well spent. The food was great (Brioche French Toast with Caramelized Bananas and Pistachios, Breakfast Muffin and a Toblerone ‘alcoholic’ milkshake), the setting was cozy and the waiters and cooks were playful and friendly. Most of all, most importantly of all, I finally got the chance to spend time with you. And catching up with you over this late lunch reminded me again why I fell for you. Yes, I’m not afraid to say it now.
Work was a great topic to start with for catching up as we shared our experiences with horrible bosses and work, you mostly. I was just happy to listen as always. I was reminded again that you disliked potatoes (anything to do with potatoes, like even fries, and that would also explain why you threw up after taking vodka), your love for chocolate and I also learnt new things like your dislike for cheese (so we can blame chocolate if you ever put on too much weight in the UK) and your soft spot for digestive biscuits (which I’m sure you’ll binge on in the UK haha).
What really got me was when you granted me insight into what you went through deciding on your university. I could think up of a couple of things that would cause you stay and was still quite surprised by your decision to study in the UK. But when you shared with me how things are getting better with your cell group, that you see new leaders rising to whom you can entrust the fruits of your spiritual labour, the meticulous thought you had put into weighing up this decision, you looking to God to show you that the UK is where He wants you to go…I just felt you and everything you said. You said you’re someone with “big dreams”, and that made me smile because it’s really nice to know that in this time and day, someone is still willing to dream big. That statement you made, about this decision being something you “won’t regret” and in “10 years time [you] can see [your]self being the person [you] want to be and God wants you to be” was empowering and inspiring.
You see, I fell for what you stood for, what I admired about you (though you aren’t the first). I fell for your personality, your determination, your passion and your desire to keep the faith with God, your drive to go after what you want for yourself and to want the best for yourself. And I in turn, wanted, want*, the best for you as well. No matter how much emotional turmoil I put myself through that episode between us a few months back, I still want the best for you.
I’m thankful as well that you were willing to tell me that you were involved with someone a few months back since late last year. Though you’ve broken off things, it has served to facilitate this new life adventure you’re about to embark on that God has bestowed upon you. And hearing this from you reinforced a belief I have, the belief that I should try my utmost not to get involved with a girl now. In the rare event that I am fortunate enough to like a girl who likes me as well, I ought not to pursue a relationship with her, not at this stage when we’re deciding where to pursue our undergraduate studies, when a new stage of life is dawning upon us. What if she is similar to you? What if she too has “big dreams” as well? I honestly wouldn’t want her to settle, much less settle for something less when she has a chance to live out her dreams. It wouldn’t be fair to her. Likewise, I wouldn’t want to settle for something less than what I could experience just to be with the girl I’m fond of at the moment but I’m still unsure of whether I want to spend the rest of my life with. It wouldn’t be fair to me. Though it is easy to say this when I don’t fancy someone particularly much now…I’ll need to drill this into my head and heart in case the day for it comes. I do feel gutted though that yet again I fell for someone who was involved with someone else. I’m starting to lose even more faith in this thing called romantic love, not that I had much faith left in it.
Still! Being the great Tuesday afternoon today has been, I shall not end this on a sour note. I really thank God that He brought us together again. God I’ve missed you, and you were beautiful today (I’m quite sad I didn’t say that to you in person). And when you asked why I kept looking at you like that, I genuinely meant it when I said “I’m just glad that you’re happy” when I saw your face light up as you talked with excitement about going to the UK to study and the anticipation of this new life adventure. Cos I really am glad, that you are happy 🙂