#184: Day 1.

I used to think that with age comes maturity. People become a little wiser, a little more careful, in what they do, in what they say. But I was mistaken. A person is still susceptible to behaving immaturely, to not think through before they say or do something, to ignore warning signs and lessons of the past, even as he/she grows older.

I’ve done things, said some things, that now with hindsight I see, were immature and out of line. And though things may seem alright on the surface, I doubt it really is. I bear full responsibility. With this incident, a thing of the past came to mind, how I used to observe that things will hit a certain peak, when everything’s going really well, only for it to come crashing down all of a sudden. Again, I brought this upon myself.

Apologising. Saying “sorry” doesn’t really cut it, I realized. What upsets me is that, I don’t know how I ought to show how sincere and apologetic I really am. I hope things can go back to how they used to be, just not too long ago. But that’ll take time, and how much time…I don’t know. Things are uncertain again, and all I can do is, hope.

This has got me thinking too, about how much of myself should I give of. I’m hesitant again, to opening up, to depending, to give of myself in fear of mistakes and disappointments.

Day 1. It hurts.

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#184: Day 1.

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