#165: a decision you can’t go back on, or, shouldn’t go back on

In the midst of my internal monologue while in the backseat of the car today, my ‘mental voice’ sounded me out about why I never make promises, at least explicitly. I always say “I’ll try”, never “I will”. It seems that I’ve taken the word “try” for granted way too much and for way to long. There’s a quote by Yoda that goes (correct me if I’m wrong): “Do or do not / There is no try”. I’ve begun to find that really true. Most of the time, my only real option is to “do”. But because of the over-reliance on the word “try”, I realized I’ve grown lazy, procrastination becomes almost second nature and most importantly, I lack the drive to accomplish what is expected of me, or at least, what I want.

I guess everyone else does better than I do because they want it more than I do. The conviction they possess is something I wish to possess as well, but also something I’ve been finding harder and harder to acquire. And along the lines of a lack of motivation, I realized as well that I have no concrete idea of what goal I have in mind. It seemed that, in the process of growing up, I’ve grown lazier, procrastinating more, achieving far less, and forgotten to dream big. I forgot what it was like to have lofty ambitions and actually working towards them.

Tomorrow’s the start of my prelims, which will be soon followed up by the IB final exams, that one ‘big thing’ I supposedly have been preparing for for the past 6 years of my life. Honestly, I’m just as unprepared as my mid years, no clue about the syllabus nor how to answer, most probably gonna go into the exam hall with a blank mind, look at the questions, laugh to myself about how I don’t know how to answer any of them and begin the painful experience of trying to fill sheets of paper with what meagre answers I can cook up. After I got my mid year results and seeing the deputy principal, I told myself that I won’t let this happen again, guess I went back on my word.

So, even though there’s little I can do to salvage my grades for now, I’m just glad that I have this one more chance to make mistakes before the real deal, and, I guess, I’ll just really give making a promise and keeping it a shot this time for real. A friend of mine just left the country for an overseas internship and she told me to study hard for my exams so that we can hang out when she’s back in January. I replied with an enthusiastic “ok!”, knowing that I’d made a promise in-explicitly. Well, here goes then,

A promise to myself.

(prelims, please be kind)

#165: a decision you can’t go back on, or, shouldn’t go back on

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