#155: falling back into old patterns, panicking and reproaching myself

They take pictures of the mountain climbers at the top of the mountain. They are smiling, ecstatic, triumphant. They don’t take pictures along the way cause who wants to remember the rest of it? We push ourselves because we have to, not because we like it. The relentless climb, the pain and anguish of taking it to the next level – nobody takes pictures of that, nobody wants to remember, we just want to remember the view from the top, the breathtaking moment at the edge of the world. That’s what keeps us climbing and it’s worth the pain, that’s the crazy part. It’s worth anything.” – Grey’s Anatomy

tumblr_m5vdqev0F01qztggxo1_500Quote and photo credits to Holes Inside.

I’ve already promised my Math teacher and Dance teacher-in-charge that I’ll work harder following my poor mid-year grades, the poorest I’ve ever scored in my 11-plus years in school. I had it coming, grades as poor as those, for the zilch effort I put into my mid-year revision, for not dedicating and allocating the necessary time frame for revision.

Yet, I find myself procrastinating again, feeling lazy and demotivated with regard to quickly finishing my EE, TOK essay and TWO WORLD LITS (all due this coming week). It wasn’t too long ago I feared for my life that my dad would pull me out of dance 2 weeks to my last performance. But he didn’t. He gave me the chance to manage my own life. My teachers have given me another chance, to work harder and perform up to what I’m capable of for prelims. God’s given me a renewed opportunity overall, but I’m not making the most out of it.

Honestly, I’m ashamed of my own attitude and work ethic.

Today during bible study, Jenny said something that caught my attention. She said that we should “Pray like we haven’t studied at all and study like we haven’t prayed yet“. Hopefully I can adopt such a mindset, and perhaps find the diligence and determination I should’ve possessed long ago.

Previously, I told myself, this time, I’m not going to settle for something less. I’m gonna fight for what I really want. Unfortunately, presently, I’ve been unsuccessful in every attempt and manner. I’ve fallen and just remained defeated. Hopefully, I can pick myself up, and just, continue fighting for what I really want, no matter how impossible it seems to achieve it.

 

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#155: falling back into old patterns, panicking and reproaching myself

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