#140: “life”? what life?

I tweeted “at times, i really don’t know what i should think, anymore” just a couple of minutes before I came across this:

On this day, God wants you to know

“that you are what you think of all day long. Day after day your thoughts shape you like dripping water shapes rock. Pay attention to what you are habitually thinking about, – are your thoughts serving you well?”

There are a lot of things I think of everyday, that I don’t even want to think about actually. My work – so much I should’ve completed by now but every hour I am worrying about each piece of incomplete work and the people hounding me for it and the quality of what I can eventually produce. People’s impressions of me, what kind of impression I think I’m giving to others. A home where there’s no peace. The things I do for some and that ‘some’ won’t do the same for me. The things that others do for me and yet I won’t do the same for them. Having to remember and keep up whatever facade I present to each individual I know.

I just went through 5 days filled with fear, work & feeling that I don’t belong. The least my dad could do is to treat me with less harshness? Yes, I did not tell him what I went through. I couldn’t. If I did, I’d never be alive to write this post. I just don’t understand why is he so un-supportive of me dancing. Just because this is my ‘crucial year’. It’s the ‘crucial year’ for my peers as well. And it’s probably the last show I’m ever gonna do in the immediate future, hence the slightly crazier practice schedule. Why can’t he see that?

He faults me for not listening to him & I guess that implies that I don’t see things through his rightful perspective. So since he can see things that right way, shouldn’t he have been able to interpret my perspective? How important dance is to me? As much as my studies? He thinks that I don’t give two hoots about my academics? No one, No. One. can be more afraid about my studies than me.

I remember he reprimanded me a few days ago that dance is not gonna get me 7 points (it’s the maximum you can get for each of your IB subjects). And all this while I’ve been wanting to say that, “dance may not get me 7 points, to you it is insignificant to my entry into uni, but, to me, dance makes me happy.” And that’s something that my dad, honestly i feel, has failed to do in my teenage years. No doubt he has done his duty as a father. But the times when I’m genuinely happy because of him, I can never recall, no matter how hard I try.

What do you do when your father is in the way of the things that are most important to you in your life right now?

But actually, looking back at what I think of everyday, “life”? What life? I don’t see me living. I see me struggling to survive.

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#140: “life”? what life?

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