#114: the desire, to be something more

A remark made by a friend recently left quite a significant impact on me. It went like, “Why are you so weak?

I don’t think there was any malice in that; I’d like to believe that. I’m not taking any offense to that either. But it got me thinking & I realized that honestly, I’m not a really strong person. I’m pretty average in everything I’ve been acquainted with over the years, be it school work, or sports, or dance, or singing, or anything else for that matter. I’ve never really impressed, nor attained a level of achievement that’s worth the admiration of others, that will cause others to ‘want me on their team’, that will cause others to be envious of.

I still have no idea how I survived yesterday & pulled through school today. Didn’t expect my cold on Monday to escalate yesterday till I could barely absorb anything from classes. Top it off with mainly long periods for each subject, sitting in each class felt like utter crap. I felt bad that I kept making so many mistakes during dance & not being able to give my best as a result of the cold. What’s worse was I struggled so badly to try & finish my English essay due today, but I eventually gave up at 2:30 am after continuously napping every 15mins trying to string a sentence or browsing frantically through my novels.

The concern shown by some of my classmates, schoolmates, friends from dance and church friends help play a bit part in my survival through school yesterday. Yet, I felt quite sad that some people only spoke to me when I was sick yesterday. I was wondering “Do I have to be sick so that they’d interact with me?” That kinda sucks. But being sick sucked badly enough, so I didn’t want to dwell on that thought too much.

Feeling slightly better today, but I think I should catch up on some rest & put aside my academic commitments for 1 night. Faced the music when I couldn’t hand in my essay on time earlier today, got reprimanded quite badly – 1st in the new year. But my English teacher was kinder when I handed it in during my break. Well, I asked for it. I was rightfully reprimanded for my essay, & it should be rightful for my World Lit tutor, EE mentor or TOK tutor to be annoyed with me for not keeping up to task.

Here’s to another one of those times, I wished I could’ve done something more in the past, or just be more than what I am.

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#114: the desire, to be something more

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