The date itself speaks a lot. Indeed, our hearts, condolences and prayers, go out to people who have lost loved ones on this faithful day 10 years ago. The physical lost, the mental and emotional torment – I won’t be able to understand the pain these people have gone through (and some who continue to experience), but I do pray, that God will comfort them, be with them.
But tonight, I face my own personal struggle.
Turns out my 1500th tweet, didn’t turn out to be a happy one, or even at least mundane.
“A fear unexplainable, has got a good grip on me tonight“
I’m not sure if you’d call this amusing. But I, I watched how what seemed to be a usual Sunday, with my usual attitude and emotions, escalate a little when I met up with my tour guide from my holiday in Italy last year for a short while at mid-day, and suddenly, ever since just a while before dinner up till now when I am typing this, I feel overwhelmed by this sense of fear.
Maybe it’s the gloom of 9/11 that has crept into me, maybe it’s cos I caught The Dark Knight on television just about half an hour ago, or maybe I’m just letting my mind run wild and exaggerate my emotions. This may all sound rather incredulous to you, and I wouldn’t mind if you choose to stop reading from here.
But this fear, it’s very real for me. The worst thing is I can’t explain it. I can’t pinpoint why did suddenly feel so fearful? Sure, my days to my promotional exams are numbered. I have admitted that my time for realistic salvation of my grades, has been lost. But I keep telling myself, I will nonetheless make the most out of the time I have left. 17 more days to my exams and I honestly have begun 0% of revision. I honestly think this, could be, my fall from grace.
Yet, I feel there are other factors, there are other things that are bothering me, that have compounded the fear that I have about my exam preparations. And this compounded fear, has successfully rendered me, helpless tonight. Actually, I have not done what I should have in terms of my academics this 1 week school break. I clearly knew time was running out and I really had to use whatever time I had to really revise and gear myself up for the exams.
But no. I didn’t. I was conscious of my dire situation, yet I blatantly ignored it. It was all empty talk, whatever I said.
I really, feel like throwing in the towel, on my academics, on the responsibilities I have taken up, on whatever I could possibly have built up for myself, and..I don’t know. Run away? But there are certain people, I can’t bear to give up, certain things I look forward to, that I can’t bear to forgo.
This post can be viewed as either having 500-odd words of gibberish, or a whole lot of fear induced writing. To simply sum up the gist of this post: I am really, really afraid. Of what specifically? I really have no clue. I just feel, so, so, afraid.
Today, there was 1 thing my pastor mentioned that caught my attention. It was something along the lines of “Sometimes you pray for peace, but what you get in life is a mess. Sometimes you pray for goodness, instead you become surrounded by temptations. But God will use this mess to bring you peace, He will use these temptations to bring out goodness in you.” I don’t know if God is planning to show me something through this excessive fear I possess right now. I’ll have to give Him a bit more time to reveal His intentions.
For now, as I pray for His peace, His guidance, His comfort, His presence, I sincerely hope that God won’t act otherwise.
*the image was taken from http://www.thenewestmovie.com/batman-the-dark-knight/