#78: you might call this cynicism. but i call it reality.

In the recent couple of days, I’ve established for myself that I no longer and will no longer believe in ‘home’ and ‘family’.

Conventionally, home is a place you can always go to. When you ‘feel at home’ it’s supposed to mean you feel comfortable, you can be yourself. Somehow, that’s not the case for me. I can’t be myself when I’m at ‘home’. I have to accommodate to someone else, usually for their anger. I always have to eat humble pie, hold back my frustrations, and tears at times, and reluctantly nod in agreement with everything that goes on at ‘home’. No. My ‘home’, it’s simply a shelter over my head, not a resting place for my heart.

And ‘family’? I honestly give up. You’ve been saying that I take you for granted, that I treat you like ‘servants’, ‘chauffeurs’, and I don’t say anything with you when I’m home. Have you tried asking me a simple question like “How was school?” or “How’s your day?” Beneath all that resentment that I don’t automatically share about what I do during the day nowadays, I’m quite certain You Clearly Know that I have a problem with sharing just, like that. If you had asked those simple questions, I don’t see why I wouldn’t share my day with you.

Yes, I never listen to your advice. Yes, I only listen to my friends or what other people say, even when you’ve told me something similar before. Yes, I talk to my friends more than I talk to you. Yes, I don’t know how to freaking set my priorities. YES, YOU ARE ALWAYS RIGHT WHILE I’LL FOREVER BE WRONG.

And when you said earlier, you want me out of dance after my performance, it really, broke me. I finally found something, somewhere I can go to where I can escape from everything I’m struggling in. No doubt, I don’t feel 100% comfortable in dance, cos I’m not well-liked by some people. But at least when I’m attending practice, the time I spend in that studio, in the auditorium, on that stage, or even outside the studio, I can get away from the world, from my problems, from expectations of me, for a while. And, I can at least, be myself, slightly more… But, you want to take it away from me… I simply don’t know how to react anymore.

If I didn’t harbour the slight fear of death, I think it would be a pretty good option. It’s not the first time I’ve thought of it as a solution. It most certainly won’t be my last. I’d rather die, after giving my all doing something I’m passionate about, something that best allows me to be myself, than to live a life without it. I’m open to anything now. Death doesn’t seem like such a taboo option.

If you my reader, happen to be a parent, here’s what I’d like to share with you. Please be understanding to your teenage child, whether you have one now or you are going to. Grant him/her as much understanding as possible. They really need your understanding. Don’t let them turn out like me, having suicidal thoughts because they have lost all faith in opening up to you and in the value of a family. Don’t take away what they love to do most. Please, don’t. As a teenager, they already have  alot on their plate. You may say you’ve been a teenager before. But I’m quite sure, every generation’s teenage years, Is different.

Please be an understanding parent. I cannot emphasize on this more. It would do your teenage child so, so much good, and for you as well.

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#78: you might call this cynicism. but i call it reality.

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